Shopping
by IceCrome
Summary: The Akatsukians go Grocery Shopping. And, as usual in every 'humor' story, some random crap happens. [First Prize winner]


_Ice: I'll update sooner, for those of you who care, which is a select few. _

_Right now, I'm working on the contest winner. Here's The First Prize, to DarkHopeAssasin! _

_Everything © Its owners._

_Kudos to you who can find the _Robot Chicken _reference._

_

* * *

_

"Tobi, un."

No response.

"_Tobi_, un."

Still nothing.

"TOBI, WAKE UP!" The loud, borderline metrosexual yelled at his partner. His hand fumbled reaching for the clay, but the artist hesitated to throw a bomb at him. The kid still wasn't budging.

"Tobi, for the love of god wake up, un." Deidara's patience was reaching an end. Was it even physically _possible_ for someone to be that heavy of a sleeper? Deidara snapped his fingers in remembering the 'safety word' he had taught Tobi if he needed him.

"Tobi, cinnamon, un." As soon as the word was uttered from one of his four mouths, Tobi perked up and was soon ready to go. Deidara sighed heavily.

"What's wrong, senpai?"

"Nothing, nothing. Now let's get to breakfast. We all have an important mission to do today, un." Tobi cocked his head.

"All? Not just you and me, senpai?"

"No, as in all of us, _maybe_ including the Leader, but I doubt it, un." As the duo worked their way through the dimly lit corridor to the breakfast table, with Hidan grimacing as he stared at the pink frilly apron.

"There is no way in fucking hell I'm wearing this goddamned piece of shit." Hidan said, trembling. Kakuzu sighed.

"It's an apron. Since, surprisingly, you are the only person around here who can cook, besides Sasori-may he rest in peace, you are required to wear an apron so the cloak won't get messy. So in other words, shut the hell up and put on the apron." Hidan narrowed his eyes at his partner.

"You're a real greedy bastard, you know that?" Kakuzu nodded, and smiling inside as Hidan put on the hideous thing. Tobi and Deidara sat down at their assigned spots, and waited patiently for their breakfast to be done. Tobi munched on a muffin and Deidara went back to sleep temporarily. Kisame and Itachi were involved in an intelligent conversation, while Zetsu was sitting down at the table after coming back from visiting his brother, Audrey Jr.

But, their attention was turned to The Leader, a.k.a Pein, a.k.a Nagato when he came in.

He looked…disheveled.

"I would like to address the importance of why I am here. The mission. Even though it may not _seem_ very dangerous, it is, in its own way, dangerous. Now…" He was sidetracked by Hidan wearing a frilly apron. A _pink_ frilly apron at that. The masochist gave the Leader a sharp, intensifying glare, and continued back to making his famous blueberry pancakes.

"…-ahem-Continuing. Since this is surprisingly difficult, I expect all of you to come, excluding Konan and myself. We will not be accompanying you." Deidara raised a finger.

"Yes, Deidara?"

"Speaking of Konan, where is she, un?" Pein shifted nervously to the side.

"Well…"

* * *

"_OH GOD! OH GOD IT'S PINK!_ _A PINK STRIP!_" She started to hyperventilate.

"Wait, there's still one more option…" She just remembered she was Catholic.

"Fuck…"

* * *

"Never mind that. Your mission is to go to the grocery store."

"The _store?_ Are you freaking kidding me?" Kisame said, slamming his hands on the table. Itachi sighed heavily as some of his oatmeal spilled. He shot Kisame a minor glare.

"So, what is the point of going there?" Itachi said calmly.

"Obviously, buy items. But, we're out in the open. There will be people trying to kill you. So be very wary." They all nodded.

"Grood…I mean great. And good. Great and Good." He coughed.

"Now go."

* * *

"Itachi, what are you doing?" Kisame looked at his platonic partner, wondering why he was wearing jeans and a shirt that said 'PHRESH'.

"Because, due to the fact that I do not want to _die_, or the fact that I would want to be approached, I am disguising myself so neither of the two happen to me." Kisame was taken aback slightly. He pointed and opened his mouth, but no words came out.

"Wow…just wow."

Meanwhile, Zetsu was looking over the list.

"…Weed killer? _Hell no._" Zetsu struggled not to throw away the paper.

"Man. I wish Audrey Jr. was here…"

* * *

AT ZE STORE...

"Alright, so we'll split up into two groups of four. Itachi Zetsu and Kakuzu will take on the first half of the list…" Deidara looked at the word 'Tampon' and shuddered. "Actually, the second half. We'll take the first half. Kisame, Hidan, I, and Tobi will all take the first half." He looked up, and his eyes scanned the grocery.

"Hey, where'd Kisame go, un?"

-_Kisame'd!-_

"CAPTAIN PLANET!" Kisame said, in the Captain Planet suit running around.

"CAPTAIN PLANET!" He ran to a man who was going to throw his Coke can into the trash instead of the recycling bin. Kisame roundhouse kicked him in the face.

"Protect the environment, or I'll fucking kill you!"

_-Not Kisame'd!-_

"He's off being Captain Planet again." Itachi said with a lazy wave of his hand again. They all gave blank stares at the Uchiha.

"Right…anyway, come on; we've got to get going."

_Meanwhile, back at the ranch…_

A dead/ghost Sasori—that's right, DEAD, not alive. It still counts, dammit!—was floating around in the air, checking out the base. He stumbled upon Pein's multiple bodies.

One of them just HAPPENED to look like Deidara. With piercings.

Ghostsori gaped, and went to find Deidara. Of whom, conveniently, he found quickly for some unexplainable reason. As he went into the store, he quickly possessed the body of Tobi, and slapped Deidara.

"NO." And then, he was never heard from again.

Deidara rubbed the hand smack mark on his cheek.

"Ow! Dammit…Tobi is not a good boy!" After hearing those cursed words, he went into Emo Uchiha mode.

"_CRAWWWWLLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIN! THESE BRUISES WILL NOT HEAAAAAAAAAAL!_"

"Jeez, jeez, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He put his hands up in defense, and dragged the beaming Tobi along. Itachi and the rest went off, while neglected Hidan was in the book section, getting his few items.

"Alright…wait, why the fuck would Leader need a Baby Book?" He shrugged, and grabbed the first one he saw. Walking along being his badass self, he slowly halted to a stop when he saw two books.

An Oral Roberts book.

Oh, he was gonna have a crap-load of sacrifices today.

* * *

"BWHAHAHAHA! BLOOD, GUTS, PAIN, MISERY!" Hidan screeched all around the store. While everyone else was literally horrified at the bleeding books (?), and the police were valiantly trying to stop him, it was to no avail.

The other Akatsukians, however, were simply ignoring this.

"Alright, Tobi…can you please hand me to large cheese roll?" The masked Uchiha reached up to get the roll of Colby Jack cheese.

Yes, dammit, the guy is freakin' competent. Stop making it seem like he can't brush his goddamn teeth.

"Thank you…well, that's all we have to get." Deidara pushed the cart, with the boy following behind him. Before long, however, his eye caught a sight unpleasant.

"Tobi…what, what is this, un?" He hesitantly picked up the _PlayNinja _magazine.

"The new _PlayNinja_ is in, senpai! And it's the Shizune edition!"

"…You know what? You deserve a pat on the head, un."

"YES! Only four more and Tobi gets a big gold star! Promised by you, senpai!" Deidara twitched slightly.

"Uh, yeah, un."

----------------------------------------

"Kakuzu…" Itachi said calmly. "We are not going to get those."

"And why not?"

"Because that food has E. coli in it." Kakuzu crossed his arms, the can of Spinach still in his hand.

"If Popeye can eat it, then damn, so can you." He threw the cold can at Itachi, who shuddered at the thought of getting E coli.

"Man, that'd suck." Carefully putting the can back, he got a fresh bag of spinach, and then threw it in the cart.

"Alright, now…wait, Wtf, TAMPONS?" Kakuzu gaped as he saw those dreaded words on the small piece of paper.

"I'm not getting those." Itachi said immediately.

"Neither am I." Since Zetsu was the only one still there-Kisame was off being Captain Planet—he was forced to get them.

"Screw you guys." AS he walked over to the feminine products aisle, he ran into someone incredibly familiar.

"Oh, sh-fuck! Petey Piranha! How're you doing, buddy!" He gave a short hug to his old fraternity member, Petey Piranha.

"I'm doing fine. Oh man, what…it's been like, three years? Man, how're you doing? I've just been terrorizing that one Italian plumber…damn guy keeps beating me…" Zetsu nodded.

"Ditto. We've been trying to take over the world…-sigh-, man…well, we should keep in touch."

"So…uh, what're you doing in this aisle, buddy?"

"Oh, just shopping. Leader gave us a list of crap we needed to get, and…since we've got a female in the Akatsuki…yeah…but every month, Hidan's like…her scratching post. Makes them both feel good." The piranha nodded.

"I'm just here getting' stuff for the missus. Man, women, eh?" Zetsu chuckled.

"We really need to keep in touch. What's your phone number?"

"Oh, uh…it's 867-5309. Yours?" Zetsu wrote down the piranha's number before saying his.

"588-2300." Zetsu took two other packages of 'feminine products' and put the piece of paper in his pocket.

"Well, great seein' you, man!"

"Same here!" They both parted, while about half the store was just staring at the scene.

"…Mommy, mommy! Can I get a talking plant for Christmas?"

"No, Billy. _God_ no."

* * *

"Here you go." Zetsu threw the two bags in the shopping cart.

"Lord Buddha, what took you so long?" Said Buddhist Kakuzu.

"Eh, just caught up with one of my old fraternity members. Nothing special." He waved his hand and smiled lightly. Itachi quirked a brow.

"Alright…well, let's just go buy this."

-_Tobi and Deidara and those other people-_

"Hidan, dammit, Oral Roberts won't kill you in your sleep, un!" Deidara smacked his face. He looked around, and wondered where the hell Tobi went.

"Hey, where the hell did Tobi go?" Hidan looked around, and shrugged. He already had an incapacitated Kisame in his hand, and he sure as hell wasn't going to carry Tobi.

"Tobi, what is that?"

"It's an extra _PlayNinja_! For Leader!" Deidara's eye twitched.

"…Okay then. Hope ya get that promotion, un."

And that's how Tobi became leader.

Anyway…

"Alright, now put those on the things, Tobi, un."

"But senpai, before we go, we must do a stereotypical crack-story OOC ruin-the-entire-place-we're-in!" Deidara snapped his fingers.

"Of course! Why didn't I think of it?"

_About three hours, and cliché cartoon noises later…_

They all looked at the grocery, now in complete shambles.

"Alright. That looks good enough." For some odd reason, the Leader's hologram came up.

For some odd reason. I'm not addressing this matter anymore.

"So, how did it-HOLY MOTHER OF VISHNU!" The Hindu Pein looked at the completely ruined store.

"What the hell happened here?"

"We had to do one of those stupid generic ruin-the-entire-place-because-THAT'S-_totally_- humor things. Like, you know, in every single forced-humor fan-fiction there is, un." Pein nodded.

"Ah yeah. Forgot about that. Just get back here." They walked out with all their items, and all the people in there were _so_ going to sue.

* * *

"Well…" Konan said.

"Yup."

"Today was rather…odd. First, we send them all to the store, and that ends up in a mess, then I figure out…well…you know." He nodded.

"Stupid Catholicism…anyway, then you figure out about the new _PlayNinja_, then I had to slap you…and then stupid morning sickness came in even though it was two o' clock in the afternoon…and a bunch of other skipped stuff."

"Oh well." He crawled into bed. "At least we're still relatively sane." She lay down on the bed, feeling her stomach lightly, chuckling.

"We're sane for another nine months. Then, we're going straight to hell." He kissed her forehead.

"Damn straight, Konan. Damn straight."

* * *

_Ice: Wow. That is the most in-character I think I've kept them. Sad…_

_And I TRIED HARD to make the relationship of Konan and Pein serious. Really! I just fail spectacularly at romance stories, I suppose. _

_This story was not funny. I'm admitting it. The only part that made me laugh was the Captain Planet part, and that was my usual stupid self trying to break free of these stupid IC-bonds!_

_Lol, I keep changing Konan's religion..._

_Well, R&R. Flame me and I'll laugh. Or bitch slap you._

_Or cry._

_More likely the latter._


End file.
